pre-coffee

Sometimes one of the ladies at work brings in her sweet little babe. He's my little buddy and "helps" me do my work. Today she had a meeting so i'm hanging out with the little man. He is the best part of Friday.

90% of this post was typed pre-coffee. A Barista at starbucks said he can tell if i'm pre-coffee or post-coffee when I come in. He said I looked haggard. I went to walk away and realized he just told me I look haggard. He said, "Aly, with how long it took you to realize that, you just proved my point".
"Thanks, just give me the coffee".

[Dear self, You are pretty good at pretending. You want to appear strong even when you are weak, but it robs you of gospel influence. When you lack transparency, people are left without the opportunity to encourage you where you need it most.] Joe Thorn

Here's the thing... Als, you think you're good at pretending. But really it's laughable. The walls you put up in your life and quick reply with the eager "I'm good! How are you?" The danger is with this is you might actually fool people. You can certainly convince the people in line at Starbucks. You might be able to muster up enough to trick the people that actually know you. But the problem is when you start to believe it yourself. You are eager to slap on a bandaid and work up a smile and believe it!

But my definition of "okay" is so far away from what Christ has for me. The problem with faking being okay is that not a mantra that you can say over and over and one day you will be. It's right up there with World Peace. Yes! It would be great, and it sounds sweet in a Miss America pageant but on our own it's not attainable. I'm screwed up past the bandaid phase. The sooner I stop trying to be something I can and never will be. The sooner I'm freed from believing the lies of the enemy that I NEED to be anything else.

The crazy thing is, that Jesus died for all my issues. He sees the Als I try to keep under wraps. And when I fail to see my need I fail to see my need for a savior.

[For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in times of need.]

Father, forgive me for wanting to fix a system that's not broken. Forgive me for trying to clean myself up before I come to you. Help me to come completely broken so that I can find complete renewal in you.