cheerios for dinner

I had a very large bowl of cheerios for dinner and spent the evening spent with the sweetest little man. It was the perfect happy ending to a crazy day. Tor happens to be a very good listener and we talked about life and Jesus and it provided me with some perspective on the day. It seems like just when I think I'm getting my footing. Just when I'm feeling like, 'Hey I got this!' The Lord breaks me. It's kind of him really, and after I've sobbed in my car I can start to see that a little clearer. I love to be in control. I am a girl with a plan and a back up plan and a back up to the back up. I sometimes trick myself into believing that I'm figuring it out. I believe that my planning really means something; that it really holds any validity.

But the only plan that is true and trustworthy, the only plan that I can build my life on is Jesus. Oh my silly soul, I don't know why this is such a hard concept for you to accept. It's so difficult for me to remember I got a tattoo on my left wrist that says, "be still". Apparently I should have gotten it on my face. Because the wrist obviously isn't enough.

I was having coffee with a amazing young woman from my church last night and were talking about how it never really gets easier to wait. It's easier to trust God in the big things. But the second something small comes up that you have a millisecond of control over God goes out the window. Why is it easier to trust Him with the big things?

Lord I can keep pretending and faking control through my life but its exhausting. Today you broke me down and commanded my attention. I need to surrender my past plans, current plans, and future plans to you. Lord you're not trying to burden your kids and strip the joy of looking forward and dreaming from our lives. You just want our biggest concern to be you and your kingdom. When that happens we are freed from this feeling of despair and confusion and are filled with peace and contentment. Then trusting and waiting doesn't just become some form of punishment but rather a open window. You want me to loosen my grip on control and trust you, because it frees me to love you. And you work all things together for my good.

I am and always will be a faithful Death Cab for Cutie lover. They have a song that paints incredible imagery of this...I recognize that this isn't how the song was intended to be interpreted but God uses everything right?

Oh, my talking bird
Though you know so few words
They're on infinite repeat
Like your brain can't keep up with your beak.

And you're kept in an open cage
So you're free to leave or stay.
Sometimes you get confused
Like there's a hint I am trying to give you.

The longer you think, the less you know what to do.

It's hard to see your way out
When you live in a house in a house
Cause you don't realize
That the windows were open the whole time.

Oh, my talking bird
Though your feathers are tattered and furled
I'll love you all your days

Jesus thank you for promising good for my life. Help me to embrace my gospel freedom from anxiety and doubt.