I know Jesus is enough for me. I know his word is true. I know his grace is sufficient and his character is faithful. I know he created me and knows every small detail of my life. I know he sent his one and only son to die a criminals death so that I might spend eternity with him. I know he's called me to live in the good of that. I know he's leading my every step and that the sea doesn't come an inch higher than he allows it.
"He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed" (Psalms 107:29).
I know his word is alive and it meets me in my need and is comfort for my weary soul.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).
I know He tells me come, confused, broken and tired to his table and feast. I know that one day I'll be in heaven remembering this moment, thanking him that he was pulling me in closer to himself. But how can I know and not feel?
I think this is a problem for a lot of christians. Life in the trenches gets hard to live. We know we're fighting a battle and we know sometimes you loose the battle to win the war. We know Jesus never promised an easy, trouble free life, but we're tired, broken and feeling empty. The thing I'm realizing the more I know but don't feel is that my lack of feeling is only a symptom of a lack of time spent with him.
"They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them" (Ephesians 4:18).
When you love something you invest in it, you spend time with it, you love it. You don't dread time in proximity to it, and you constantly want to learn more about it. Often this doesn't describe my relationship with Christ. He's not the dearest thing to me, I'm not spending time with him, then I wonder why he feels like a distant, unfeeling Father? But he hasn't changed, only how I feel about him changes. This is beautiful news for someone like me because I know how much my feelings change about everything else. I have what people like to call a "all or nothing" personality. I'm all in or I'm all out.
Being "all in" when you feeling like being all out is something that will forever be a struggle for me. My comfort and hope is that Christ lovingly tells me the only remedy against this wavering and wandering.
"With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!" Psalm 119:10.
"And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you." (Psalm 9:10)
You tell me to seek you. Not just be with you, but be intentional. How I feel in the moment doesn't matter. Take ownership of my sanctification.
"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling". (Philippians 2:12)
Believing these promises can only happen when I'm loving Jesus. Looking into his lovely face, and not basing my love for him on what I'm feeling.
Lord help me to be a faithful daughter of you. Help me to rejoice in and you and celebrate my adoption into your kingdom. I pray that it would define me. That your scripture would be life-giving. I pray in the midst of trials and moments of wanting to be "all out" you would be my anchor. I pray that when "all around my soul gives away" You would be my hope and saviour. Help me to continue to fix my eyes on you.