You need only be still.

This week marks a year from when I sold pretty much everything I owned, bought a one way plane ticket and headed to the East Coast.

I was arriving with a plan, I had a place to live, a network of friends, a possible job opportunity and quite simply put, a future. Skipping ahead a bit in the story...I'm not typing this from my cozy basement in Maryland. I'm writing this from my home, my original home, the one I was so eager to leave just 12 months ago.

I'll never understand why God pursues us? Why he so patiently watches as we sloppily live out the narrative he's so carefully written. Why he meets us in our needs, and stoops to draw us back to himself. After a year of mistakes, hard conversations, and many tears the Father broke in and redeemed it. Not just parts of it, all of it. He's turned hopelessness into faith and bitterness into thankfulness. Where there is still sometimes a wrestle with doubt and anxiousness he faithfully whispers peace. I know that we will walk through dark seasons, and valley's, but I know I can look to this year and say, 'He was faithful, he will be again.'

A couple months ago I would have told you I wanted to just forget about it all. If there was a magic delete button I would have pushed it. But I'm learning, ever so slowly, that this whole crazy story wasn't about me all along. It was for my good, and for His Glory. I didn't need a delete button, I needed a Saviour. 

I guess I just want to shout at every hurting soul, every faithless wanderer, every tired overachiever and most loudly to my own heart that Jesus is enough for you today, tomorrow and everyday after that. He forgives you, he loves you, he pursues you, he will lead and guide you. You need only be still.

Learning to ask.

                                   

[What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him! Luke 11:11-13]

You are indeed a loving Father, the giver of good gifts, willing ears to listen, faithful hands to uphold. You know how to give, but we don't know how to ask.

I woke up this morning, got up and had crawled back in bed 3 minutes later. Feeling so heavy, so burdened by the day I had a choice to make, ask you for help or my bed. Guess what I chose? Getting to my heart is hard work. Humbling myself to admit I need your help can be painful. I think I can do it. I think I can do everything. Turning to you brings joy and I know that. So why does my flesh fight?! Why do I battle against your promises? 

Forgive me for where I think I don't need you because my heart knows I do. Humble me, draw me close to you. Give me a heart that wants to ask you for things. A brain that doesn't fight for independence, and your holy spirit as my shield against the whispers and lies of the enemy. 

In the tiny battles and the full out wars I pray for strength to trust you for today.  Teach me to sing thy praise no matter what swirls around me.

snapshots of grace.

 I contemplated doing the "end of the year" post as I was scrolling through pictures on my computer. I was overwhelmed with this one thought.. this was a year of grace. Rich, undeserved, merciful grace. This year was up and down, it was both bitter and sweet. This year brought a lot of tears and heartache and a lot of rejoicing. But in all of it I can see that the loving Father was the master Artist, weaving and shaping everything together for my good. He ordained some things I don't understand yet, and changed my plans quicker then I thought I could handle. In so many ways I still feel like I'm stuck in the undertow and everyday is a fight. I haven't arrived yet, but I know I won't until that sweet day in heaven. But looking at 2012 I see a common theme of amazing grace. Grace to sustain, grace to encourage, grace to step forward, grace to fall, grace to rest. I know that in the coming years, each year will prove the same. I'll be able to point to the suffering and heartbreak but I know that he's using it to make me more like him. He's calling me to himself, and I pray that each year that comes and goes will prove a stronger declaration of how sweet it is to trust in Jesus.

Long expected Jesus.

                   

Come thou long expected Jesus 

Born to set thy people free 

From our fears and sins release us 

Let us find our rest in thee 

Israel’s strength and consolation 

Hope of all the earth thou art 

Dear desire of every nation 

Joy of every longing heart 

Born thy people to deliver 

Born a child and yet a king 

Born to reign forever 

Now thy gracious kingdom bring 

By thine own eternal spirit 

Rule in all our hearts alone 

By thine all sufficient merit 

Raise us to thy glorious throne 

Sitting in a Starbucks waiting for my mom to be done at the MS clinic, a regular, soon to be very regular occurrence for her.  Experimental drug trials, though free and a unique blessing, are exhausting, time consuming and sometimes risky. My mom is a perfect example of someone living in the goodness and sustaining grace of the Father. Someone who is longing for Jesus return, longing for a new body that works properly, pain free, but that says "Hallelujah all I have is Christ." 

There are seasons when you can't seem to get out the words, you don't have the strength or clarity to imagine a world where you don't struggle with your finances, difficult friendships, illness, failing marriages, constant loneliness, haunting depression. Father, pain is very real, emotional, physically or mental battles are exactly that, battles. So for all the circumstances that we'll face today that will leave us tongue tied and tempt us to discouragement, I pray for a tangible grace to get out of bed and choose you. May our hearts turn to you and your promises so that we can sing, "Come thou long expected Jesus, Joy of every longing heart, Let us find our rest in thee." Jesus you are the cure for every spiritual disease. You came, you met our greatest need and provided a way for us to be adopted as sons and daughters of the King. Our hearts our wired for you, they long for heaven and so we pray for more of you while we live our lives here in this fractured world. 

Outwardly rich, inwardly dying.

"So we do not lose heart. fThough our outer self4 is wasting away, gour inner self his being renewed day by day. 17 For ithis light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 jas we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

Too often as Christians, we feel the need to fake, fudge, or push our way through trials and struggles rather then being transparent. We choose to live outwardly rich, inwardly dying lives. But when we do this we fail to see all the people around us, people just like us, fighting the same things.

Too often I look at my own heart and say, "Come on! You're still here, still fighting? " or,  "You've given up, you're lukewarm, apathetic!". How quickly do I feel lonely? Isolate myself? Beat myself up over my failures? Choke on memories of failed friendships, feel the sting of regret regarding far too many harsh words? How often do I wallow in my brokenness. Marinating in bitterness, ashamed, alone and all the while secretly loving it.

Father I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this pathetic attempt to "be okay" through this desert like season. I look around at people I love and I see them dragging their feet in the sand along with me and I'm asking you to forgive me! Forgive us, for a lack of faith! For a lack of trusting your sustaining grace in our lives. For loading up our camels and confidently saying "Lord, I can get there alone." Forgive where I've been hardened and become bitter towards you. Forgive us for heaping expectation and hope on things that will not last. Forgive us for believing that we can keep our heads down and wait out this storm. I know you're a loving Father that welcomes and more than that, runs and greets with a celebration, his younger and elder prodigals home. It's either pride or discouragement, so Father help us hear your voice calling out to us saying, "Come in out of the storm, I'm enough for you." And help us lives live that's proudly proclaim how broken and loved we are by a rich, gracious Father. 


Hallelujah that no matter how lukewarm, tired, burnt out, I am you never change. Your love, grace and mercy don't ever falter, you never get thrown off or surprised by anything. You never change your mind or loose traction. You don't trip, fall or even stumble. Your hand is steady and just. You love your children and paid the ultimate price so that we could call you Father and attempt to glorify you with our lives. Help me today to remember who you are and what you've done more then how i've failed. But when those thoughts come, and oh how timely they roll into the forefront of my brain, I pray that they would only make me more aware of you. 

Leave the trifle.

"And you who have no money, come, buy and eat." (Isaiah 55) 

Let's put this into context. I don't like go to someone's house and not bring something. Dessert, bread, wine, something! I don't go to a formal party if I haven't had time to go home, get ready and change out of my jeans. I don't go to the store to buy dinner's ingredients without my wallet, and if I do, I angrily drive home and pick it up.

I think for most people, especially me, I feel like if I can't contribute or prepare in some way the invitation isn't as sweet. You get hung up on the details of how you're going to get, there, the dress you have to buy, the dessert you have to make. So what happens when you don't have money to buy the new dress, or time to make the fancy dessert? You obsess, worry, panic, and decide not to go. The invitation to the party isn't a joy anymore, it's a burden.

So often, this is how I feel about coming to the Lord. In my mind I feel like he's sending this invitation and expecting me to show up in a certain state. Cleaned up, patched up, and with a chocolate trifle in hand. This verse reminds me that I have nothing, and I'm supposed to come, buy and eat.

This invitation is greater and sweeter than any other invitation I've ever recieved. My loving father is saying, "I know you have nothing, I know you're bloody, broken, messy, poor, needy, and no matter how hard you try to cover that up I know who you are, and I want you to just come. There is spot reserved at the banquet hall, a place card with your name. Come boldly to my table and eat, don't waste yourself on things that leave you wanting. Come to me, humble yourself and experience rest."

You can't have me.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.] Cor 5:17

Father thank you that you have made a way, that I am a new creation. On days when everything else is grabbing for my attention, shoving itself into my affections and stirring up anxiety. Exhaustion from the week, the month, heck, the year. All of that fades away in this tiny little verse. It's rich in truth and offers a unique dose of satisfaction for this restless heart. The old has gone, the new has come. It's finished.  My greatest need has been met by my heavenly Father, so this effects the way I live each day. 

[So the battle against evil is not to constantly say "No, no, no. Bad, bad, bad." There's no power in that. One thing will give you the victory: Faith is the victory that overcomes the world. And faith is a being satisfied in all that God is for us in Jesus Christ. You've got to stoke that engine every morning so that the evils that are clawing at you lose its fangs. You can't have me, I've seen Jesus this morning. Lust, you can't have me. Greed, you can't have me. Fear of man, you can't have me. Bitterness and anger, you can't have me. I've seen Jesus this morning.] Piper

Jesus I need your help. This morning, this afternoon and for sleeping tonight. I need to be able to say, fear, anxiety, doubt, wandering and wondering, you don't have me. You hold no power over me. I'm safe and secure in Jesus. I am his and he is mine. You can't have me. I've seen Jesus, I'm loved by Jesus, and he's made me a new creation. This is all I need. Be still my soul and know this peace. 

You welcome me and give me truths like in James, [if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all] James 1:5 or in Romans [what then shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things.] Romans 8:31-32.

Verses like that that remind me that I can't muster up anywhere near enough willpower to fight the temptations of my flesh, to battle the pangs of discouragement, or wrestle through confusion and doubt. I am weak and my it's evident in the past week alone, stress and fear slowly can take over your life. That's what happens when I try to just say, "No, no, no. I can, I got this, I'm good." I could keep going like this, but I'm not sure how long I would make it. Jesus is patiently saying, come here, get over here. Let me take it, I want to help, the old has gone.