dehydrated.

It's been a couple days since I've had the chance to write. I was in Portland for the weekend for a friends wedding. I haven't been sleeping very well, so I thought in order to spare any readers from the horror of sleepless Als I should avoid writing. But I'm back in the swing of real life and here is my attempt at jumping back into writing. If I'm being honestly haven't been reading the Word as much as I need to be. No sermons, no blog posts. I've been running on Als fuel. Its running low. I'm feeling a little dry. So I'm just going to pray...

Father, this morning the reality is that for the past week it's been a struggle to read your word. I read it but it's just like I'm reading the newspaper, or even worse, a really old, familiar, story. It's not effecting my heart. Nothings changed, you are still faithful, I'm still a sinner that needed a Savior. Your gospel remains glorious, but my heart has grown distant. I'm sitting here whining about my thirst, all the while sitting next to the fountain of life. It is encouraging to see growth in this area...a few months ago this would have taken so much longer to get here. I would have been wandering the Sahara, collapsing in a heap before I would think... 'Hmmm what's wrong here'. So Father, first of all, thank you for making me aware of my thirst, that is a sign in itself that you are warming my heart. Thank you for sending your son to die for my sin so that I never have to be thirsty again. Rejoice my soul, rejoice. 

Looking at things this morning my hearts desire is for change. I don't exactly know what that looks like. I think it practically means, listening to a sermon in the car on the way to work, or reading Spurgeon alongside your Word... Something that puts glorious old truths in new light. It means praying my face off, praying for the little things and the big things, and acknowledging my need for you in every aspect of my life. I think it practically means slowing down, saying no, taking time. I'm learning that if I'm not putting anything in, I don't have anything left to give. How can I encourage a friend who's battling depression when I want to put my head through a wall? How do I make a meal for someone when I forget to eat lunch? How can I care for someone's soul when my own is being neglected? Father you want my soul. If I bring that to you, thirsty, you are faithful to quench it and care for it. Then you'll show me where I need to go from there. I may not be doing everything, but thankfully you still are. 

Amen. 

transparent?

I was talking with a friend on Tuesday night and the topic of transparency came up. Why is transparency missing in our local churches? Why is it being replaced in our relationships? Why is it so hard to be transparent? 

Jesus was transparent, although without sin,  He was controversial to say the least, and hated by many. Jesus walked into a room and everyone started whispering, making those awkwardly, long, purposeful stares, turning  those judgmental, cold, shoulders. Then there was the verbal attack from the Pharisees, Jesus couldn't get a break! Why did He stir up so much drama? What was it about this man that rubbed some people the wrong way but drew so many others towards Him? He was transparent. The marginalized found comfort in His openness, they found a place they could rest and not be judged. They found a friend who spoke messages of salvation and hope and they found a  Savior who could redeem them from their sin. Jesus broke down  social barricades and invited the poor, the sick, the condemned to come eat with Him.  In the scriptures we see Jesus tip tables in the temple, weep over the death of His friend, heal people, enjoy good food, fellowship with friends. He was transparent, with Jesus what you see is what you get. 

Funny thing is that it was outrageous then and it's outrageous now. We live in  the the world of "Be Who You Are" or "Be Unique". But we're still being told to "Be" something. If you survive High School without going through a major identity crisis, you'll most likely get sucked into the university vortex of self help books or drowned in a sea of psychology classes. Then you go home and are Calvin and Hobbes attacked by your alter-ego, Internet self, who is looking less, and less like you everyday. We live in a world obsessed with image. We'll put on anything, except transparency. Why? 

Father, I'm proud, I don't like seeing my sin and I certainly don't want others to see it. I'm too busy primping and priming my sin to look acceptable to those people around me that I'm robbing myself of Your grace. I'm asking You, the master surgeon, to put a bandaid on a fatal wound, claiming to know what's best and not looking to the future I say, "You can stitch it up later doc, all I need is a good old bandaid." 

Father sometimes it's awkward to be transparent, actually I take that back... It's always awkward.  It's difficult to peel off that cheesy smile of, "I'm fine thanks! How are you?". I have to be ready to get real with people, and be ready to receive transparency as well. Real relationships are messy and its almost always easier to have fake ones. But Lord, make me more like you, mold me more like Jesus. Make me transparent  so that Your grace may abound in my life and I can grow in community and love of You. Break down the walls of insecurities and lies this worlds been building in my  heart.

"Take my life and let it be, always only, all for thee."

Take my life and make me transparent, like Jesus. 

Amen 

marginalized.

[Involvement with people, especially the marginalized, begins with a profound grasp of God's grace. Often our instincts are to keep our distance. But the Son of God ate with them. He's not embarrassed by them. He lets them kiss his feet . He's the friend of the riffraff, traitors, the unrespectable, drunks, druggies, prostitutes, the mentally ill , the broken, and the needy- people who lives are a mess.] -Tim Chester

Oh Father forgive me for forgetting your grace! Forgive me for viewing  people as unworthy projects! You ate meals with them, lived with them, walked life with them, loved them. Jesus soften my heart to see the need that's right in front of my face. Warm my heart, tune it to sing your grace, so that you might be praised. I don't tend to like people, I make snap judgements and move on when things get difficult. I prefer to surround myself with people I like and all together avoid ones I don't enjoy. Lord, who am I to decide who fills your church?  Forgive me.

I don't want more stories of change because of people following programs or the "church fixes everything"  bandaid mentality.  I don't want to listen to any holy water scams. But Lord I do want genuine change, full repentance and changed hearts. I want tears and rejoicing, real pain and real worship, by restored, refreshed people.  I want cold hearts sparked by the warmth and welcome of your gospel. I want drug addicted bodies to find comfort in God's word. I want the isolated, single, mom to find support and refuge in the care and community of a church family. Lord help me to slow down, to unclutter my life so that I have time to pray, and reach out to the people around me. Somehow use my failed attempts at care for your Glory and continue to teach me what it means to love like you. Because Jesus when I step back not very far, my life was a mess, and it's only through you that I've been redeemed. What a message of hope. Thank you for how your Gospel demolishes every kind of social, racial, global, and language barrier. You are a Holy, loving God who died for broken, filthy, marginalized people, you get the glory. 

[For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.] Romans 5

tall in a grande with extra foam.

First morning ever that I hit snooze 5 times.
First morning in a week that I didn't have to scrape ice of my car.
First morning in a long time I pulled the old, tall in a grande "with extra foam" scam.
First morning in a long time I laid my anxieties at Jesus feet and walked away.

[Why are some Christians so anxious, so fearful? Evidently because they have not left their way with the Lord. They took it to him, but brought it away with them again.] Charles Cowman

Oh Father! Why am I so anxious? Why am I so fearful? This hits so close to home. I am growing more aware of my need to come to the Cross quicker, understanding the need to go back to that place and remember. I'm learning the weight of sin and the separation it wedges between things I truly love. 

I can't express the feeling of freedom and joy that I receive when I take my burdens to the cross. But Lord I need you to teach me how to take them to you and leave them there. To take them off me and submit them to your will. My shoulders aren't broad enough, you didn't design me to carry this weight.  You are walking beside me willing to take it. You sent your Son to die so that I don't have to carry it anymore. As I get up from the cross and turn around I'm struggling, crying, buckling under the weight of these things and you're walking down the hill of Calvary beside me pleading with me to just let go of it. I'm unable to come to the table and feast with my King, I'm robbing myself of your invitation to rest. Christ's invitation is sweet, but these burdens, this weight, seems too much. 

Father this morning my heart is joyful because this is not the end of the story! My burdens can be removed by Christ. Through Jesus they already have been. Direct my eyes to your glory, use your word to point me to your faithfulness, help me rest in who you are and walk up with me to the cross, help me take off these burdens and place them where Jesus died a substitutionary death. Then walk with me up to the table so I can be free to rest and worship my Savior. 

grab a kleenex and let it snow

It snowed last night, and I cried, a lot, not because of the snow, but because of what the snow reminded me of. 

Yesterday was one of those days. One of those ones when you stare at the clock and actually watch the seconds pass. Easy things were difficult, difficult things were difficult. I was tempted to despair and in the drama of the day I was praying for sustaining grace. I was driving home feeling very discouraged and a little bit like I got kicked in the face. I was driving home on the highway when it happened, it started to snow, big, chunky, pure white flakes. In minutes  the evergreens where white and I was crying. 

This scripture has been weighing heavy on my soul lately...

[Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.] 2 Cor 12

Yesterday was the Lord saying, 'Let me show you how weak you really are. Let me reveal your lack of boasting in me.' The Lord used the snow yesterday to say, 'Look at my power, look at how it's made perfect in your weakness. Boast in it Als, enjoy the beauty of my sustaining grace. Just like the snow I make all things new. I cover over your weakness. I'm enough for you.'  

Father help me gladly boast in my weakness. It frees me from condemnation and paves the way for me to understanding your love more clearly. Lord I am weak and I wander from the truth of your gospel. Bind me to your cross so that I may find life. Guard my heart and mind. Your grace is all the sustaining I need, but oh how I need it! Show me your faithfulness and your perfect power today. 

Wednesday morning...(afternoon?) grace.

My body needs to be told I'm on West Coast time now. It missed the memo, it still wants to wake up at 5:00 and go to bed at 7:30. This is not conducive to real life. But while I was still on East coast time I heard a killer sermon on Luke 11.

[Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.]

I often read this from the perspective that the disciples were trying to figure out a easy solution to prayer. Like they were looking for some kind of "Pray like Jesus in 30 days or your money back!" scheme. But this week I've been freshly reminded of my need for prayer. I know how to talk, I know how to form words together to communicate with my Father but it's like I forget the gospel in my prayers. They become incredibly focused on myself and I loose sight of who I'm praying to. They become a continuation of my whining and complaining. I pray without looking up, I don't have faith or hope for the future and I am certainly not trusting my gracious Father for sustaining grace. They are just words that have been completely removed from my heart. 

[And he said to them, "Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, 'Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him'; and he will answer from within, 'Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything'?I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs. And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!]

God is not the nasty neighbor in this story. He used the neighbor as a illustration to say if this miserable, sinful, man will give his neighbor good things, how much MORE will Christ? What grabs me in this story is the mans persistence, he needs it, he's desperate for it and he's not going to stop banging on that front door. He's not shameful or shy, he is aware of his need and he asks for it. 

Father forgive me for loosing that desperation in my prayer. Forgive me for marching to you and stamping my foot and demanding things. Forgive me for assuming I know the outcome,  and not seeing my need to pray. Forgive me for doubting your faithful character and your abundant love. Teach me how to pray like how you taught your disciples. So that you may be glorified and I might see you clearer. Train my brain to slow down so that my heart can keep up. Knock down the walls that the world is seeking to build up in my heart and renew the passion to talk with my heavenly Father. 

Amen. 

hot excuse for coffee.

I'm trying to write on the plane. Great in theory, five hours of uninterrupted time that I am forced to sit in a seat and wear a seatbelt. But if you know me at all you know that this is basically the same as sending me into a torture chamber. I've realized the most effective and helpful thing for me to do on a plane is to sleep. Fortunately I'm quite good at sleeping. But I've had my nap, watched my latest downloads, cruised Facebook, tried to read. And I thought maybe I should try writing. So I apologize if it's a little ADHD, blame it on the plane. And the serious lack of coffee. I've had a cup of this hot excuse they call "coffee" on planes.  Starbucks... I miss you. 

I've spent the past week on a lot of planes. It's been a great week of visiting friends, being encouraged and challenged, a week of tears and laughter and certainly a week of grace.  I've been in Vancouver, Seattle,  (insert random city I forget), Atlanta, Maryland, Gaithersburg, Virginia,  Greenville, and Cincinnati and I'm ready to be home. 

Trying to recap and reflect on the week today on the plane I can't help smiling at the constant and overwhelming Grace of my Savior. I was trying to think about all the ways just this week that the Lord has said, see I told you, I'm working, just wait. The peace of God passes all understanding. And when I understand that I can understand what it means to rest in Him. He always answers prayers, often not how i think they should be. He gives wisdom to the humble and correction to the proud. A clear understanding of the Gospel provides me the freedom to be human. It helps me come to my Father quicker and more eagerly. 

[It’s comforting to know the gospel doesn’t make me less human, but simply more yours. Thank you for being a Father who doesn’t shame the downcast, weary or restless. You pursue them, you provide for them, you comfort the, you comfort me.]-Scotty Smith

Father I can't begin to thank you for how you've saved me. You took hold of this wicked, corrupted, sinful soul. You said,

 "Als, I died for your sin and I'm calling you to follow me. You will fail, a lot, and I know this because I made you. You are unique but your problems and struggles are not. Your sin isn't too big and your wandering isn't too far. I know when you fall and I will always be faithful to pick you back up. You don't need anything else except for me. All of this is for my glory. I will pursue you, I will provide of you, I will comfort you. I will be glorified through this." 

Father I don't have a category for this. Too often I get overwhelmed and weighed down by my sin. I fail to look up and see your willing rescue. I forget these words of life and promise that you've already spoken to my heart. Thank you for your son that you sent as a sacrifice for my sin, so that I can have a relationship with you. Thank you for your sustaining grace in the middle of uncertainty and upheaval. Thank you for the peace that passes all understanding. 

You have been faithful and you will be again,
All I have need of your hand will provide, 
You've always been faithful to me.